Getting Your Needs Met: How Do You FInd the Right People, and are Tribes the Answer?

In my last post, I outlined why it's important to learn to ask for what you need, and how to go about doing it. I didn't address an important point in that post, though:

How do you get your needs met if you're surrounded by people who, for whatever reason, can't or won't meet your needs?

Not everyone possesses the emotional maturity to engage in healthy relationships where each member of the relationship feels safe and secure enough to voice their needs openly and honestly. Or worse, not everyone cares about our best interests. That's usually why the problem starts in the first place. It certainly did for me.

My Early Life Experiences

I grew up in a pretty weird environment. Both sides of my family had some significant dysfunction that went back at least a generation or two, yet nobody ever talked about it. Appearing "normal" was important. I think this was intentional; it was their attempt at killing the cycle of generational shittiness in order to give my generation of offspring a chance at a life better than they experienced. For the most part, they succeeded. Except in the realm of expressing needs. 

I learned from a very young age that expressing my needs came at a steep price - it indebted me to the people I asked. It was kinda like asking a favor from the mob. They'd grant it, but then you owed them. When they came to collect on the debt, it would be fine if I could fulfill their request. But if not? 

That's where things routinely turned pretty dark. People, especially the women in my family, would start negatively gossiping to other family members or friends of the family. The goal seemed to be both getting me to comply with the request and/or punishing me for not fulfilling the request. I was made out to be a bad person in the eyes of my family, and it hurt. A lot. I'm kinda prone to depression, especially seasonal affective disorder. If this kind of thing happened when I was experiencing a bout of depression, my mind went to very, very dark places. Which was made infinitely worse because I couldn't express that to anyone.

Needless to say, it was a cycle I needed to break for self-preservation. I naively tried actually fixing the dysfunction years ago, but that turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. The only workable solution was to severely limit interactions, which is lonely and royally sucks, but it's better than the alternative.

To the point, though, it taught me to avoid asking people to meet my needs. Instead, I developed a lot of shitty passive-aggressive strategies to try to get my needs met without actually asking for them. If I didn't verbalize them, they couldn't be used against me. That's the "Nice Guy" problem I mentioned in the last post.

Luckily, it wasn't too difficult to fix this issue. It WAS incredibly difficult to take the first step; I still vividly remember the first few times I directly asked Shelly to meet some of my needs without resorting to my old subversive tactics. But experiencing her joyfully acting to fulfill those needs was powerful. It was a "Holy shit, I can't believe this actually works like this" moment. Almost immediately, the problem mostly disappeared.

Why mostly?

Because I had to learn another important lesson - how do you determine WHO you can trust to share your needs with and who do you need to avoid? Learning that lesson was a little more tricky.

Authenticity is the Key

Shortly after discovering that "Nice Guy" pattern, I started analyzing the relationships in my life. I quickly realized some people fell into the "safe to share my needs" category and others fell in the "unsafe to share my needs" category. The difference between these two? The former were all people Shelly and I met and befriended AFTER we started trying to live as authentically as possible. And by "authentically", I mean letting our inside selves shine by not erecting a facade of, well, "normal."

Like attracts like. And the "likes" we attracted were the kinds of people who could and would meet whatever needs we expressed without some ulterior motive. They were emotionally safe, and this safety created wonderful, lasting friendships. 

Once I kinda discovered that there were people out there who could and would willingly meet whatever needs I had, all those "unsafe" relationships started to feel really, really toxic. SO I started gravitating towards the safe people and away from the unsafe people. And every aspect of my life improved remarkably. 

The Tribe

At some point in this process, I realized there was incredible mutually-beneficial value in curating a group of people who all cared about each other unconditionally. That realization slowly grew from an abstract idea to the "Tribe" plans I've been planning and developing, which I'm documenting on one of my other blogs. 

The basic idea - We have a lot of needs, many of which are social in nature. Our hunter-gatherer ancestors got these needs met by their tribe. That's why we're hard-wired to have these social needs today. But we don't have tribes today. We have a lot of individuals living individualistic lives. We get our "tribe" needs met by rooting for sports teams, identifying with political parties, or maybe joining a church. And the loneliness of these topical connections causes a whole lotta needs to go unmet. It's no surprise so many of us are riddled with depression and anxiety.

So I set out to create a Tribe. Or as close to a "tribe" as we can get without sacrificing the benefits of modern society. Brandon, one of our Tribe Members and co-founder of this project, provided us with some excellent criteria to decide who we wanted in the Tribe, which I describe in detail in this post.

Our Tribe is a little bit unique in that it is formed around that authenticity idea in the last section. Our current and future Tribe Members come from our jiu jitsu gym Shelly and I own. When we're at the gym, both of us are our authentic selves. And people either love us or hate us. There's not a lot of middle ground. So we attract people who tend to be like-minded, which creates an awesome foundation for the Tribe.

Specific to the point of getting your needs met - the kind of people we want for the Tribe are the precise kind of people who either already understand the reciprocal nature of healthy relationships or, in some cases, have the capacity but need to learn how to ask for help. Like I was back in the "Nice Guy" days. 

Reciprocal Rings

A researcher by the name of Wayne Baker developed a concept known as a "Reciprocal Ring", which is a tool groups can use to develop equitable reciprocity within a group. It basically teaches people how to use the group to get their needs met. And it's a tool I plan on utilizing for our Tribe. It works like this.

You gather the group together. One person expresses one need they have to the group. I can be a physical need, social need, emotional need, spiritual need, financial need... whatever. The group then brainstorms how they can, collectively, get that need met. Then they actually do it or make a plan to do it. This continues around the group until everyone has expressed a need. 

Done repeatedly, this quickly evolves into what amounts to a group "Pay It Forward" virtuous cycle where group members quickly build trust in each other that allows them to rely on the group. In short, the collective group becomes a powerful resource to get any and all needs met for each individual within the group.

But What If You Don't Have a Tribe?

I'm fortunate in that I've had an incredibly supportive wife who I could rely on to openly express my needs, which has given me the opportunity to be able to curate a Tribe of reliable, emotionally healthy friends. Not everyone has that resource available to them. In that case, it's important to learn to recognize emotionally-healthy people. 

For people trapped in some cycle of emotional fuck-upedness, that can be really difficult. If all you've known are emotionally-troubled people, you don't know what healthy looks like. Worse, we tend to be drawn to the people who make us comfortable. And if all we've ever known is emotionally-damaged people, those are the people we'll be drawn to. 

There are a lot of guides out there that will explain what an emotionally-healthy person looks like. Lifehacker, one of my all-time favorite websites, produced a nice article explaining 15 good traits to look for. As much as I like their list, I also have some criteria I use personally, usually by asking questions. These questions determine if they're:

• Honest
• Competent
• Reliable
• Kind
• Able to persevere after setbacks
  
• Willing and able to accept blame when they're at fault
• Compassionate
• Modest and humble
•  Have the ability to control their emotions

So what are the questions? What behaviors help me determine if an individual "fits" this ideal?

1. How do they treat service workers, especially retail workers, receptionists, and restaurant servers? Do they tip well?
2. How do they treat animals?
3. How do they treat children and the elderly?
4. How do they treat people who have poor social skills?
5. Do they get angry frequently?
6. Do they do random acts of kindness, especially when nobody appears to be looking?
7. Do they brag excessively?
8. How do they handle failure?
9. Are they excessively gullible and fall for conspiracies, multi-level marketing schemes, etc.?
10. Do they try to control others?
11. Are they prone to excessive jealousy or envy?
12. Do they have a victim mentality?
13. Do they intentionally hurt people, physically, emotionally, or mentally?
14. Do they blame others for their lack of success?
15. Are they passive-aggressive?
16. Do they engage in revenge fantasies?
17. Do they routinely make other people uncomfortable?
18. Do they have confident body language?
19. Do they talk on the phone in public or in the presence of others without trying to excuse themselves.

 

And, of course, there's the gold standard hack for evaluating others - simply pick a particular trait, then ask someone how often they see that trait in others. It's based on the idea of psychological projection - we frame the motives behind other people's behaviors within our own motivational framework. A happy person will see happiness in others. A manipulative person will assume everyone is trying to manipulate them. A compulsive liar will assume everyone is lying. A genuinely kind person will see kindness in others. And so on. 

Taken together, these strategies can be super useful when it comes to identifying the kinds of people who can and will gladly help fulfill your needs versus the toxic people who will not. Surround yourself with the former and life gets a whole lot better. Surround yourself with the latter and life ain't so good.

Conclusion

 

We all deserve healthy relationships where we can feel safe expressing our thoughts, feelings, and needs. We all deserve healthy relationships where we will have those thoughts, feelings, and needs heard and acknowledged. Surround yourself with those kind of people, and follow my advice from the first post on getting your needs met. 

You deserve it.

~Jason

***

How To Ask For What You Need

 

Recently, I was having a discussion with an old friend who has trouble asking for what they need from others, especially in relationships. This has always been a topic close to my heart because, for the vast majority of my life, I had this exact problem.

And it sucked. 

In my own experience, it basically turned me into a "Nice Guy", which caused me to habitually hurt the very people I cared about the most. The gist of the behavior - I'd do shit for people in the hopes they would reciprocate in some way, thus meeting my unspoken needs. Unsurprisingly, this led to a lot of problems. I'd create a feedback loop where I'd feel a need, obsess on figuring out how I could get that need met without pissing anyone off, then would engage in passive, indirect behaviors that never worked, then get resentful and angry towards those people for not meeting my unspoken needs, which caused those initial needs to get even stronger. It royally sucked for me, and it royally sucked for those around me.

My own experiences with this issue stemmed from behavior patterns learned in childhood and accidentally reinforced into adulthood, and it took years to correct. Mostly because it took years to actually identify the problem. In my past writings on this topic, I largely helped people solve this issue by fixing the underlying problem, but the aforementioned conversation with my old friend led me to explicitly addressing the issue head-on.

So Why Does It Matter?

Without exception, EVERY person I've ever met who had trouble expressing their needs to those around them have had a "giving" personality. They genuinely enjoy helping others... even the men who, like I used to do, engage in "Nice Guy" behaviors. The problem, though, is our ability to help others is entirely dependent on our own health and well-being.

My all-time favorite analogy for are - oxygen masks. 

If you've ever flown on a commercial airline and paid attention to the emergency procedures flight attendants go through when the plane's still on the tarmac, you know what I'm talking about. In the event of "cabin depressurization" (i.e. - the plane is falling apart), oxygen masks drop down from the overhead compartment. We're supposed to put OUR mask on before we help other people put THEIR mask on.

Why?

Well, if we pass out because of a lack of oxygen (which thanks to jiu jitsu, I can confirm does not take long), we can't help others. Then we all die.The lesson?

LIFE RULE #1: WE NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN HEALTH AND WELL-BEING BEFORE WE CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S HEALTH AND WELL-BEING.

We have a right and a responsibility to ask for what we need in a relationship, and we're in the best position to determine exactly what it is we really need. After all, we are the experts on ourselves.

If we don't take care of our needs, we run ourselves into the ground physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And we run the risk of falling into the martyr complex. We're actively damaging our self-worth and our value.

In addition, if we're not getting our needs met, we're unconsciously sabotaging all our close relationships. 

LIFE RULE #2: VOICING OUR NEEDS IS AN ABSOLUTE PREREQUISITE TO HAVING HAPPY, HEALTHY, MUTUALLY-FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS.

Learning to ASK to have your needs met can be an incredibly difficult thing for many of us. I know it was for me. It was really terrifying and just felt so... wrong. 

Damn that early life conditioning!

Anyway, before we get to HOW to ask to get your needs met, let's talk about the needs themselves.

What Do We Really Need?

We all have needs that require other people. We are, after all, social animals. Some of those needs include:

• We need support. We need someone who has our backs.
  
• We need affection.
• We need to feel intimate physical contact. Think cuddling.
  
• We need companionship. 
  
• We need to feel physically and emotionally safe.
• We need to feel like we're a priority.
• We need to feel heard and understood. 
• We need to feel financially secure.
• We need to hear positive affirmations from those we care about.
• We need to feel valued and appreciated.
• We need to feel connected to others.
• We need to be nurtured sometimes. 
• We need sex and the resulting physical connection.
• ... and so on.

If we're missing any of these, we tend to feel what could best be described as "emotional hunger." And that emotional hunger gnaws at us whether we recognize it or not. 

How Do We Know if Our Needs Aren't Being Met?

One of the weirdest parts of habitually not getting your needs met is you don't always recognize your needs aren't being met... usually because they've never really been met in a healthy way. So the needs manifest in other, strange ways, including:

• We resent others because they're not "reading our minds" and fulfilling the needs we expect them to fulfill.
• We get stressed out, feel anxiety, and feel depression because our needs aren't being met.
• We feel contempt for the people who aren't meeting our needs.
• We get angry at others for not meeting our needs.
• We feel neglected and rejected by those we love.
  
• We feel unimportant because we're not being heard or seen. 
• We feel unloved because our partners don't seem to be willing to put in the same level of effort we're putting in the relationship.
• We find ourselves minimizing our own needs to make them seem less of a priority compared to other people's needs.
• We withdraw from those we love. 
• We start picking silly fights. 
• We start "testing" those we love to determine if they really love us.
• We start "keeping score."
• We start fantasizing about greener pastures... a lot.
• We start seeking attention elsewhere.
  

 Why Don't We Ask for What We Need?

There could be all kinds of reasons we don't ask for what we really need. In my past, I did so because I was terrified I would make people angry by expressing my needs, and they'd ultimately abandon me. In retrospect, it was a pretty fucked up train of thought that wasn't grounded in reality. Or even logic. But it's how I felt.

We may have all kinds of reasons for not asking for what we need, including:

• We think asking for what you need will cause conflict (which may have happened in the past.)
• We don't want to trouble or inconvenience others.
• We may not know exactly what it is we need.'
• We feel what we need, but we have trouble articulating the need to others.
• We were punished in the past for asking others for what we need.
• We don't want to feel needy because we see ourselves as being strong, independent, and resilient.
• We're afraid of making people angry.
• We may not want to admit we're dissatisfied.
• We don't like feeling vulnerable.
• We're afraid of being judged negatively.
• We grew up in an environment where a parent or both parents somehow used our needs against us.
• We never learned how to express our needs in a healthy way.
• The voind of not having our needs met, while feeling bad, also feels comfortable. And comfortable is less risky than asking for what we need.
  
• ... and so on.

Usually part of this problem stems from some sort of emotional abandonment we experienced in childhood or in our early dating life. This causes us to initiate relationships with people who avoid the intimacy required to create an environment where both partners can and do freely share their needs. The crappy relationship satisfies some of our needs for a connection to others, but the emotional distance feels safe. Even if that relationship is defined by constant fighting, addictions, infidelity, and other forms of shitty abuse. 

What if I Don't Deserve to Feel Good?

 I intentionally left this one off the list above because it deserves its own treatment. Thinking you don't deserve something is a big fucking cowardly cop-out. Harsh, yes, but true. To see how absurd this is, do this thought experiment. Think of your all-time favorite ice cream flavor. Now think of your all-time least-favorite ice cream flavor.

For example, my favorite is fudge brownie in mint ice cream. Whatever that's called. My least favorite? Coffee-flavored. A little ironic given I love black coffee. Anyway.

Now imagine you just entered an ice cream shop and you're deciding which flavor to get. Would you choose your absolute favorite flavor of ice cream? Or would you settle for that least-favorite shitty flavor because you felt you "didn't deserve" your favorite? Settling seems pretty damn absurd here, doesn't it?

I know I'm choosing the brownie mint stuff, not the gross-ass coffee ice cream. And you would, too.

So why should your needs be any different? 

Still not convinced? Do this thought experiment. Think of your kids. If you don't have kids, imagine a future when you do. If you don't want kids, think of a beloved pet. Part of parenting is wanting what's best for your kids. We want them to have a life that will make them happy. We want them to have the life they deserve.

As their parent, you're their most influential role model. If they see you ignoring YOUR needs because you feel you don't deserve to have your needs met, they will grow up and ignore THEIR needs because they will feel like they don't deserve to have them met. It doesn't matter what we say. It matters what we DO.

So How Do We Fix the Problem?

When people can't ask to get their needs met, they typically use a few strategies that are guaranteed to fail almost every time. Maybe we try using guilt or shame on others. Maybe we use our unmet needs as weapons. Maybe we buy them gifts or do them favors (even the sexual kind!) Maybe we use passive-aggressive tactics like withdrawing or throwing tantrums. Maybe we try dropping subtle hints. Whatever tactics we use, they always result in the same shitty outcomes - we're left emotionally starved.

But the solution is pretty simple! And there's only TWO steps!

 There's really two steps to this process. The First Step is figuring out exactly what it is you're missing, which can be really difficult. Let's call this step "Naming the Need." 

I know when I started this process, I had never even really consciously considered my own needs, even though I was constantly trying to get them met. And being a god damned psychology teacher.

Yeah, kinda embarrassing.

For me, it helped to see a list of needs people actually, well, need. Scroll back up to that "What Do We Really Need" list above. Start there. Whether we consciously feel it or not, all of us share all of those needs; they're universally human. So note which needs are currently being met and which ones are not.

In addition to this, we can do a thought experiment. Ask yourself "If I could have anything I wanted in a relationship, with NO limits, what would it be?" What would that relationship look like? What would that relationship feel like? Don't hold back here; be selfish! This is YOUR fantasy; have fun with it!

Once we do that, the second part of step one is important - taking personal responsibility for our own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Tell yourself "I am personally responsible for getting these missing needs met." Repeat that ten times. 

That second part of this first step is important because, even though we disguise it with a lot of different rationalizations, our inability to ask to have our needs met is really a shifting of responsibility from ourselves to other people. We need to change that. Taking personal responsibility means we have to be willing to ask for what we need. 

Now on to the Second Step - actually asking for what we need. Pick one need at a time, and figure out who in your life is best able to meet that need. It's probably going to be a significant other, but it can also be a friend, a family member, or even a coworker. WHO isn't critically important.  

The first thing we need to do is make sure you and the other person are calm and relaxed. Don't do this is you're stressed, angry, or in a hurry. Now describe the situation. You want to describe the situation in a way that doesn't blame them, so stick to factual terms. You want to encourage connection, not conflict. For example, let's say our partner doesn't hug us as much as we need. We could say:

"We don't hug as much as I need us to hug."

Simple and to the point with no blame or judgment.

The second thing we need to do is explain how we feel, preferably by using "I" statements. Again, it's important not to blame the other person here. You're simply expressing how the behavior in the last part makes you feel. For example:

"Our lack of hugging makes me feel unloved."

The third thing we need to do is request the desired behavior in clear, actionable terms. What can they do to meet the need? We need to make it easy for the other person to meet the need we just expressed. 

"I need to start hugging each other when we both get home from work."

In this last step, it's important to only request behaviors. Don't ask the other person to change their values, attitudes, desires, motivations, or feelings. Behaviors only. And limit each request to ONE or, at the most, TWO specific behaviors. 

It's also important to TELL your partner what you need. Don't ask. Don't say "will you please start hugging me when we both get home from work?" Directness establishes boundaries; it tells other people how you expect to be treated. Being direct prevents people from walking all over you because being direct tells them where to step. And people LIKE that. We LIKE boundaries. It makes life much, much easier.

That's it. That's all we need to do. It's really simple. HARD, but simple. 

Luckily, this is a process that gets wayyyyy easier with practice. So start small, maybe with the needs that are easier to fulfill or require less action on other people's part. 

The cool thing about this process is the feedback is usually pretty immediate. In healthy relationships, we'll quickly find our partners (romantic or platonic) are happy to meet our needs, not angry we're expressing them. Humans are, after all, hard-wired to help each other. We wouldn't have survived as a species if we weren't designed this way.

It doesn't take long to start to realize we're worthy of having our needs met, and we deserve to feel wonderfully fulfilled in our relationships. We deserve to to feel safe expressing our thoughts, feelings, and needs, and having those thoughts, feelings, and needs heard and acknowledged. 

So How Did This Work Out for Me?

It's been around a decade since I learned to start asking for what I needed from any relationship. And damn, has it been liberating. All my relationships are far more authentic; I no longer feel I need to act a certain way in the hopes of getting my needs met. 

Importantly, I also don't have unmet needs. Asking for exactly what I need from any given relationship has become so second-nature, it's not even a conscious thought process. I no longer ruminate about how to get needs met without upsetting people. I just do it. And it's awesome!

The real payoff, though, is my relationship with Shelly. I've been writing this article for three days. During that time, I've been plumbing the depths of my psyche to find any needs I have that she can provide that I'm not getting. I can't think of a single one. We've been together for quite a long time... somewhere in the ballpark of seventeen years. Since discovering how to ask her for what I need, our relationship has truly blossomed. 

12,000 feet. Literally on top of the world.

Long gone is the feedback loop where my unmet needs caused all kinds of personal angst. Long gone is the feedback loop that led to anger and resentment of others. I can finally engage in relationships and enjoy them for what they are. That authenticity has enriched my life in ways that are difficult to explain in writing. That's doubly true of my relationship with Shelly.

So yeah... it's well worth the effort of learning how to identify and ask for what you need from others. NOT doing this really kinda limits the quality of your life, negatively affects those you love, and limits your ability to make a real, sustained difference in the world. 

If you don't currently have people in your life that you can rely on to meet your needs, I'll give you some pointers in the next post.

Hopefully that old friend internalized these ideas and will start working on learning how to ask for what they need. Because like all of us, they deserve nothing less.

 

~Jason

 

***

Ladies, Don't Fall for Nice Guys. There's a Better Option

 

 

Earlier today, I stumbled upon this article in Psychology Today about women who don't feel "chemistry" with nice guys. This article came at a fortuitous time; I was just discussing this issue with one of my fellow Tribe members who is part of my new project. Specifically, she was asking about my book I wrote years ago, No Bone Zone. The gist of the discussion - my book kinda sucks for the same reason this Psychology Today article sucks.

Basically, women can't "trick" themselves into developing chemistry with nice guys. 

I don't recommend my book to couples for a pretty simple reason - it's essentially a guide to rekindling chemistry in relationships where the chemistry has disappeared. For examples of the kinds of relationships the book was meant to help, check out this incredibly sad, depressing Subreddit. The advice I give in the book closely resembles the advice the author of the Psychology Today article recommends.

And it ultimately fails. Every. Single. Time.

Before I explore this issue in detail, I need to operationally-define "nice guys." We're not talking about the emotionally-manipulative guys who act like women in a misguided attempt to get laid. We're talking about genuinely kind men who lack any sort of edge. They're soft and gentle and caring and emotionally-available and loyal and willing to do anything for you. They make you feel loved and appreciated. They're caring and attentive parents. They willingly help out around the house, always buy you presents on Sweetest Day, and do everything they can to make you feel special.Nice guys make love. Sweet, tender, romantic love.

What they don't do, though, is make your panties wet. 

They don't slap your ass or pull your hair. They don't tease you until you lose your mind; they don't fuck you so hard, you lose a filling. They don't call you "my dirty little whore" as they cum all over your tits. Their mere presence doesn't cause your heart to start beating out of your chest. They don't possess you. 

It's simply not in their DNA. It doesn't matter if you show up late for a date to fool yourself into believing the nice guy is something he's not. None of the "tips" shared in that Psych Today article will change what is unchangeable. Your brain is not fooled. Which is why I don't recommend No Bone Zone. It's filled with bandaids that, ultimately, will fail. Chemistry can't be faked. In the event you DO fall for a nice guy and commit to them, your relationship will follow a painfully predictable path.

The answer, though, isn't to fall for the bad boys who CAN and DO drench those panties. If you're looking for anything more than an occasional hookup, they're a piss-poor choice because they don't have the requisite skills to navigate a relationship. Per Ladder Theory, a high value woman might be able to "tame" this kind of bad boy, but in the process, will make him almost as undesirable as the nice guy. 

So What's the Answer?

The answer is deceptively simple - find a man who is genuinely kind, but also has no hesitation in using you as a fuck toy when the time comes. I know, ladies, you already know this. And you also know these men are the unicorns of our gender. The Law of Supply and Demand being what it is, these men don't last long on the open market. But worry not, Jason's here to help!

You have two realistic options if you have trouble attracting unicorn men. Either settle for one night stands with bad boys and relationships with lame-ass nice guys, OR improve yourself. 

First, read that Ladder Theory post above. It explains how the dynamics of relationships *really* work. 

Second, read this post. It explains why you can land the hot, dominant, confident kind man for a one night stand, but can't get him to commit. 

Third, read this post. It was originally written for some specific nearing middle-aged female friends of mine who had serious trouble competing with younger females for high quality men, but the advice is universal. 

Conclusion

For many women, it's comforting to follow the advice in the PT article. Or my crappy book. Somehow reframing the boring nice guy in a way that makes him seem desirable gives us a shred of optimism. But the reality is what it is - these men simply aren't going to cut it. They're great roommates. They're great companions. But no Jedi mind trick is going to allow them to make you feel like a woman. 

So don't waste your time trying. Shoot for a better man. Shoot for the kind of man you deserve. And importantly, be willing to put in the work to make that happen.

~Jason

***

Bullying: Why We Do It and How To Really Fix the Problem

Bullying has always been a topic that interests me. As a kid, I spent a few years being a bully, then a few more years being bullied. As a high school teacher, I witnessed countless incidents of bullying. As a person with a psychology background and a deep fascination of human behavior, I've always been curious about the exact motivations behind the behaviors.

Aside from my own personal interest, bullying exacts a huge social cost in human life. Approximately every 30 minutes, another person commits suicide due to being bullied. That alone should motivate us to take this problem seriously. Hopefully this post will serve as a spark to ignite a wider debate on bullying and maybe, just maybe, lead us to a future where so many people aren't dying.

A few months ago, I asked my Facebook friends why they thought bullies, well, bully. Their responses were about what I expected, and mostly attributed bully to either negative personality characteristics, insecurities and/or an inferiority complex, fear, hatred, unhappiness, mental disorders, emotional immaturity, or they're just perpetuating a bullying cycle (they were bullied, thus they become bullies.)

While I don't discount any of these explanations, none of them really seem to adequately explain the actual bully dynamics. That shouldn't come as a surprise, because science doesn't really understand bullying behavior. Or at least the published research seems to be missing the actual underlying causes of bullying. All of these explanations are based on logical or emotional inferences, not actual empirical data. When we DO look at the empirical data, we realize we, as a society, have no clue about bullying. 

Evidence: This study that shows anti-bullying programs actually INCREASE bullying. The authors hypothesize these programs don't stop bullying; they teach bullies to get better at not getting caught. It's the equivalent of showing bank robbers the blueprints for the bank's security systems. 

For some of you who may be familiar with anti-bullying programs, you're probably thinking "But wait! I know of programs that work! My school (or my kid's school or whatever) implemented it and it really works!"

Maybe, but odds are good it's a lot like Finland's "successful" program. This program effectively teaches bystanders to overcome the bystander effect and intervene on behalf of the victim. That's actually really effective... at eliminating bully behavior in school-related situations and pushing it to other off-site situations.

It's sort of like how we treat the homeless in California. They're a nuisance, so municipalities enact programs to force them to move to a neighboring municipality, then those municipalities do the same. It does nothing to solve the problem, it just pushes it around. But it makes people feel good that they "fixed" homelessness because they no longer see them begging on the street corner. Likewise, schools can feel good because they "solved" the bullying program by pushing the problem elsewhere.

I call bullshit. If I'm going to address a problem, I want to actually FIX it. If I'm in a sinking boat, I don't want to devise a better method of shoveling water out of the boat. I want to find the damn holes and plug them. That's the goal with bullying.

My Hypothesis

Currently, there are a slew of evolutionary psychologists that believe bullying behavior occurs as a function of... big surprise, evolution. They contend bullying behavior is really a social domination issue. In our evolutionary past, bullies would get more resources like food and shelter. Those who were the best at bullying would have access to the greatest quantity of resources, thus most likely to survive long enough to pass their genes to the next generation. As a result, bullying behavior is "hard-wired" into our genes. In the modern world where we really don't have to fight over resources, kids who grow up in a chaotic home environment may not learn the social skills to inhibit this "natural" tendency, so they engage in bullying behavior. 

That's problematic on several levels. Bullying occurs regardless of the stability of the home environment and is better predicted by the perceived safety of the environment. For example, bullying behaviors are positively correlated with violence. The more dangerous the environment, the more bullying we see. Interestingly, that only pertains to males (that's a big hint.) Furthermore, males tend to bully other males they don't know very well but also aren’t complete strangers (another hint.)

What about female bullying? This offers a tantalizing clue, too. Females engage in far different bullying behaviors than men. Men are direct. They physically and verbally bully each other face-to-face. Women? Not so much. They engage in relational bullying, or, as we like to say, they're catty bitches. They corrupt the relationships of their victims by spreading rumors, leaking secrets, back-stabbing, and using "excluding" behaviors. More significantly, bullying behavior increases as a function of social standing. The popular girls are most likely to bully. Weirdly (to me anyway), this fundamental difference in bullying methodology between the genders is often written off as a minor detail when it should be considered a major hint regarding the real cause of bullying.

So what is the real cause of bullying?

Gender roles and sexual selection. 

Ever watch later elementary and middle school-aged children flirt with each other? It's rough. They have the basics down, but the behaviors are WAYYYY over-exaggerated. They just haven't fine-tuned the skill set, and they'll slowly improve throughout high school and into college, with some never really improving on their early fumbling attempts. This flirting behavior serves a useful evolutionary purpose; it's the mechanism we use to attract and secure a mate and eventually pass our genes on to the next generation. All of us come from a long line of countless ancestors who successfully flirted… at least once. 

Bullying plays by that same rule. Bullying in children is rough around the edges. It never really stops over the course of our lifetime (yes, there are retirement community bullies.) And, like flirting, bullying serves an evolutionary purpose. Bullying differs in that males and females engage in bullying for very different reasons. 

Intermission: If you haven't read it, take a look at my Gender Role Protection Theory and the accompanying "why homophobia exists" post. They'll be referenced in the "male bullying" discussion. Also take a look at the Women, Explained article. It'll help explain female bullying.

Why Men Bully

When men bully, they're testing each other to test their ability to "protect the perimeter." In evolutionary terms, men, due to our larger physical size and greater upper body strength, are tasked with protecting the tribe. Part of that task relies on interdependent cooperation. Guys need to know the other guys protecting the perimeter with them are capable of protecting their back, both literally and figuratively. This is why men bully men they don't know well. This is also why standing up to male bullies is the only effective way to stop bullying. This is also why "telling the teacher" or "bystander intervention" just causes the bully to modify their bullying behaviors. This is also why men bully effeminate males (gay males, transgender folks, etc.) so often (read the homophobia post if you skipped it.) 

As I mentioned, if the victim fights back, even unsuccessfully, the bullying immediately stops. If they do not fight back, the bullying continues until they do. Sadly, our society has fallen into a trap of being rather militant on teaching boys NOT to fight back. That results in continual bullying until the victim simply snaps (hello, school shooters!) 

We can solve that problem by simply teaching boys to stand up to bullies. 

That’s it. That’s all we have to do. 

Before we move to women, there's one other interesting angle to this. I've had a hard time finding primary sources (unfortunately I was a history major in addition to psych), but there have been some cultures in human history that had a special rule of sorts for biological/genetic men that did not want to "protect the perimeter." They basically got a free pass to opt out of this male fitness testing. Instead of protecting the perimeter, they would do other tasks within the tribe/community. In other words, they weren't bullied because there was no reason to bully them. I have no idea how we could implement this in our modern American society, but it would be a great solution to those men that do not want to conform to the masculine gender role. In essence, if we can find that solution, we end homophobia.

Why Women Bully

This is a much more difficult problem to solve. Women essentially bully to maintain their status as the highest-valued females. Their motive is simple - the highest value females get access to the highest value males. Female bullying disqualifies other potential rival females for access to males. They begin these behaviors before they actually hit puberty for the same reason they start rudimentary flirting behaviors before puberty... complex social skills are hard to learn. 

These behaviors are fairly predictable, and include several behaviors that many feminists somehow manage to blame on men (or the "Patriarchy.) A few examples include:

• Slut-shaming
• Fat-shaming
• Style-shaming ("You're wearing THAT dress?")
• Public humiliation
• Excluding women from social circles or not inviting women to events
• Back-handed compliments
• The aforementioned leaking of secrets and spreading rumors

Honestly, I have no idea how to fix this problem because, at the most basic level, female bullying is one of the engines of evolution. It assures the best genes from the human gene pool are matched up, thus assuring our survival as a species. Short-circuiting that mechanism would doom us genetically. If we were Hell-bent on making it happen, we'd basically have to resort to radical social engineering where women would be forced to reproduce with completely random men. I have a hard time believing anyone (me included) would support that idea. 

A victim of female bullying could feasibly take the male approach and stand up to the bullies, but they'd probably have to resort to a scary level of violence to make the bullying stop. Unlike male bullying, female bullying isn't a test. It's the real deal. The females doing the bullying have no incentive to back down until the victim is effectively disqualified from attaining the high value males. To make it worse, female bullying occurs in packs against individuals, so the lone victim would essentially have to kick the asses of an entire group.

There may be some value in education, though. If a female victim of bullying understands exactly why she is being bullied, maybe she wouldn't take it as personally. That subtle shift in understanding might make the difference between her contemplating suicide and having the strength to persevere. Even if it saved a single life, it would be worthwhile.

 

Tribes deserve special attention here, though. In a tribal social organizational model, bullying between females can be greatly reduced or even eliminated if the higher ranking females in the Tribe militantly police bullying behaviors among the lower ranking females. A small coalition of the most powerful, influential females can effectively set the tone for the rest of the females in the Tribe, and focus that "catty bitchedness" to females outside the tribe.

Conclusion

Bullying is a serious behavior that harms countless people. Hell, it KILLS a lot of people. As a society, our previous and current attempts to curtail the behaviors have been fruitless. The best we can do now is suppress bullying in a specific environment. To me, that's completely unacceptable because bullying is still occurring. Is my hypothesis correct? Maybe. Maybe not. But what the Hell do we have to lose?

This post is kind of important. Even if you disagree, we need to start thinking outside the box on this issue. Please share this post far and wide. If you're a parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle, this issue probably affects the kids you love. If you're a teacher or any other professional that works with children, this issue affects the children you care for so dearly. Hopefully it'll start a new, better dialogue. Post it on Facebook, Twitter, and even Google+. Email it to your coworkers and family members, or print it out and post it in the break room or on the fridge at home. If we spread the word, together we might be able to save some lives.

Jiu Jitsu Gyms and COVID-19: Where We Currently Stand

Since early March, I've been diligently following the development all things related to COVID-19 for the safety and well-being of my family, for my day job (as a public high school teacher), and, relevant to this post, for the sake of our gym. 

The coronavirus pandemic has absolutely ravaged our industry. Quite simply, we cannot operate a jiu jitsu (or any other combat sport) gym in a way that doesn't increase the spread of the virus. The absolute best we can do is acquire as much information as possible, weigh the many variables, develop a list of positive and negative consequences to different action plans, then make informed, responsible decisions. This post will walk readers through the process I'm using for El Diablo Combatives. Hopefully this will be of use for my fellow gym owners and managers, and can be used to spark discussions on how we can navigate the present and future. 

Dispelling Dumbass Conspiracy Theories

Before I begin analyzing the current "lay of the land", it's important to address what has become the single most annoying (and dangerous) aspect of this pandemic - the proliferation of dumbass conspiracy theories. One of the hallmarks of leadership is developing the skills to process and critically-analyze information for validity and reliability. We need to ask ourselves "Is this source of information accurate?" and "Does this source represent objective reality?" 

Normally, this isn't an especially difficult process for anyone who has any kind of background that involves critical thinking. But in times of uncertainty, critical thinking often gives way to skewed, emotional thinking. Like during a widespread pandemic. 

Personally, I have little to no tolerance for conspiracy theorists as their complete and total inability to think critically leads them to really stupid conclusions that are often counter-productive. In the case of the coronavirus, this means we have to ignore the stupid nonsense that's being spread via memes and Youtube videos. So...

• No, the virus did not escape from a lab in China.
• No, the virus is not a biological weapon.
• No, the virus wasn't developed by the US military.
• No, the virus is not spread via 5G cell phone networks.
• No, this virus has nothing to do with Bill Gates and mind-control vaccines.
• No, this isn't a hoax perpetrated in order for government to install an autocracy/ totalitarian government/ socialism/ etc. 
• No, the government is not overstepping their authority.
• No, this isn't a plot by big box retailers, "Big Pharma", globalists, Illuminati, lizard people, etc.
• ... and so on.

If you buy into any of these, you're a gullible idiot. Either learn to think critically or go read some other blog. Your kind is not welcome in my sphere of influence. Each of these causes one of two effects - it either scares people into never leaving their homes, or worse, causes people to take really stupid risks that unnecessarily put people at risk in their own communities. Buying into this bullshit is grossly irresponsible and, quite frankly, disturbingly selfish. AND it's preventing us form returning to a semi-normal state.

We don't world we imagine. We live in the world that is.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way...

What Are Our Goals?

The first step of developing a plan of action is identifying our goals. In regards to COVID and bjj gyms, the goal is pretty straight-forward. We need to get back to regular training in a way that doesn't exasperate the problem of overwhelming our local healthcare infrastructure. 

Based on our current best data from the state of Colorado (folks from other states will have to dig up their own data), 5.6% of the people who test positive will need hospitalization, and 1.9% of those who test positive will require ICU interventions. (4) Our local hospital, Montrose Memorial, has 75 beds, 24 available ventilators, and 14 ICU beds with the ability to expand a bit. The hospital serves Montrose, SanMigual, Ouray, Gunnison, Delta, Hinsdale, and San Juan counties. Together, the hospital serves a population of approximately 102,000 people. 

Based off the math, this means our local hospital will likely be overwhelmed if the seven-county  region has more than about 1,260 positive, active cases of COVID-19. We can find this information on each county's respective health department websites. 

Our goal, therefore, is to get as close to that number as possible without surpassing it. 

I'll refer to this as "threading the needle" throughout the rest of this post. 

What Do We Currently Know?

As time passes and more research is conducted, we're learning more and more about the nature of the virus. While there's still a TON of questions we still can't adequately answer, we DO know enough to start making some informed decisions. 

About the Virus Itself

We know the virus is easily spread via small droplets expelled from the mouth and nose, which occurs when we sneeze, cough, talk, or exhale. These droplets are relatively heavy and do not travel far (hence the purpose "social distancing" and mask-wearing guidelines.) People mostly catch the virus by inhaling these droplets, though the virus can also be spread if the droplets land on a surface, a person touches said surface, then touches their eyes, nose, or mouth (hence the purpose of washing your hands and frequently cleaning surfaces.) We think people can transmit the virus even if they're not showing symptoms. (5) 

After a person is exposed to the virus, symptoms typically appear in five or six days and symptoms typically last 10-14 days. We think people are no longer contagious 72 hours after symptoms cease. (5) For severe cases, the average time between initial infection and hospitalization is 13 days. (1) 

Who Does the Virus Affect and How Does It Affect Them?

The virus can infect anyone; nobody appears to have natural immunity. Age is a major factor in both severe symptoms and death. In Colorado, nobody under the age of 45 has died of the virus. Three percent of the deaths come from people between the ages of 45 and 54; 7.8 percent of deaths have come from people age 55-64; and the remaining 89% of deaths have come from people over the age of 65. (4) People with preexisting medical conditions are most at risk for hospitalization and death, including obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, lung disease, cancer, and diabetes. (5) 

Based on these two data sets, older people with any of those preexisting conditions OR anyone who has regular, direct contact with these older, high-risk individuals should not be leaving their homes and absolutely should not be engaging in any kind of training regardless of the precautions taken. 

As we discover more about the nature of the virus, we're learning it may attack our circulatory system, which might be the reason we're seeing people die from heart, kidney, and liver failure, and may also explain the strange inflammatory disease we're seeing in children. (10) Right now, we simply don't have enough data to draw conclusions, but this unknown should lead us to be even more cautious with exposing our vulnerable populations to the virus. 

How Can We Protect Ourselves and Others?

As of right now, we have no way to prevent the virus, no way to effectively treat the virus, and no way to know if we've been exposed to the virus without getting tested and having contacts traced. Because of this, we have to rely on indirect methods to slow the spread in order to "thread the needle." Remember, our goal is to keep the number of positive cases for our region below about 1,260 in a two week period. As individuals, we can take steps that have been proven to be effective, or there's some convincing evidence the measures might be effective. 

It's important to note the goal of ALL these measures isn't to eliminate the virus or even prevent the spread. The goal is to SLOW the spread. The slower the virus spreads, the more we can reopen anything and everything and still stay below our local hospital's capacity. These measures include:

• Social distancing. The farther we are from each other, the less likely the airborne droplets we expel will be inhaled by another person, the less likely we are to spread the virus. (4)
• Wearing non-surgical masks. This weirdly-controversial measure works by trapping at least some of the droplets we expel. If we're unknowingly infected, wearing a mask in public should slow the spread, at least to some degree. (4)
• Frequent washing of hands. Soap and water, along with alcohol-based hand sanitizer, is effective at killing the virus. If we touched a surface that has been infected, we can prevent ourselves from getting infected if we wash our hands before touching our eyes, nose, or mouth. (4)
• Frequent cleaning of "high-touch" surfaces. Common household cleaners are effective at killing the virus, so frequent cleaning of surfaces a lot of different people touch is an effective measure to slow the spread. (5)
• Stay in your county of residence. The closer we stay to home, the less likely we are to spread the virus to other communities. If there is a sudden spike in positive cases, this measure can assure that outbreak is localized. (4)

If all of us practice these measures as often as humanly possible, we can effectively control the spread. Again, the goal isn't to eliminate the virus (because we can't); the goal is to slow the spread enough to prevent the hospital from being overwhelmed. Practically, that means businesses (like jiu jitus gyms) can reopen sooner than later. 

In other words, if you want to get back to training, wear a damn mask, keep your distance from others in public, and wash your hands! Every person who fails to do so is actively keeping our businesses closed!

Our Current Situation in Colorado in General and Montrose in Particular

As of today, we have about 25,000 positive cases and about 1350 deaths across the state. (2) We're currently processing around 5,000-6,000 tests per day. State health officials estimate this number will need to increase to about 8,500 to effectively manage the peak in cases. Until we get to that point, our data is going to be somewhat unreliable, which means it's going to be difficult to predict spikes in cases. For us business owners, that means future shut-downs may happen without much warning. 

We do know that the state's first phase "Stay at Home" measures worked well; the viral transmission rate (known as R0, pronounced "R naught") was at around six at the peak, meaning one person spread the virus to an average of six people. That number is now less than one, which means the number of new cases is decreasing... that's a GREAT development. 

Unfortunately, we won't get data on the state's second phase of reopening ("Safer at Home") until May 29th. Given people across the state have been more mobile since mid-April and mask-wearing behaviors have decreased, we can logically assume the data will show at least some increase in the state's R0 number. (1) 

Based on the data collected so far, 65% of the state's residents would need to maintain adequate social distancing, mask-wearing, and hand-washing to prevent a spike that will overwhelm local hospitals, including Montrose Memorial. (1) THIS IS WHY IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ALL OF US TO SOCIAL DISTANCE AND WEAR MASKS IN PUBLIC!

If less than 65% of the general public fails to comply, we're expecting to see hospitals being overwhelmed around mid-August. If compliance falls below 45%, this will occur sooner. If local hospitals are overwhelmed, we can expect the state to go back to the phase one "Stay at home" regulations. 

Here in Montrose, our county is currently operating under a variance to the state's "Safer at Home" orders. (8) For gyms, this means we still cannot run group classes, but we can train freely with people from our household (including rolling and sparring) and can do everything else if we maintain social distancing, wear masks if possible (but they're no longer required), check temperatures at the door, clean all high-tough surfaces regularly, and limit the total number of people in the gym to fifty or less. (9)

This variance will be in effect until either the state relaxes standards to the phase three "Protecting Our Neighbors" level, regresses back to the "Stay at Home" order, or we have 42 new, positive COVID cases in the county over a two week period (we're at 19 over the last two weeks as of today) OR there's a 15% positive rate on tests being given (we're currently at 11.7%) (8) If the variance is rescinded, the entire county would go back to the current "Safer at Home" guidelines, which would limit the number of people at the gym from 50 down to 10. 

What Does This Look Like For The Gym Today?

Currently, we're hamstrung by the explicit "no group classes" aspect of the state regulations. That, of course, is our bread and butter. We're also hamstrung by the social distancing requirement, which makes rolling, sparring, or partnered drilling impossible. It's worth noting the governor has explicitly stated that the social distancing requirement will last through all three stages of the state's plan, meaning we won't be able to go back to regular training until ALL COVID-19 mitigation regulations are lifted. And we have no idea how long that will be. Realistically, it's going to be AT LEAST several months. In all likelihood, it's going to be years. (1)

As such, our old business model most of us followed is effectively dead. 

However, there is a route to getting back to training before the pandemic ends. Because we can train unfettered with people from our own household, we can start there as long as we carefully control who has access to the gym AND we follow strict guidelines based on current known best practices. 

For example, it's perfectly fine (and not in violation of the mandates) for Shelly and I to roll at the gym. We just have to make sure nobody else is nearby AND thoroughly clean everything afterward. Since we already spend a ton of time in close physical proximity, there's no danger in rolling infecting us any more than our normal interactions as a couple (giggity.) Same deal with our kids.

The inherent danger to our community comes if people from different households start rolling or sparring. Because of the nature of the virus, it's likely impossible to prevent person-to-person transmission when rolling or sparring. If ONE person in a group has the virus at the beginning of a rolling session, EVERYONE will be exposed and likely infected by the end of the session. Those infected people would then likely spread the virus to the people in their household. It's entirely feasible for a single jiu jitsu class held once at one gym to push the number of positive cases in our county beyond that "42 positive cases in two weeks or 15% positive rate of testing" threshold set by the state for our county variance. (8)

In other words, one example of irresponsible behavior can ruin it for the entire county. 

So we have to be hyper-vigilant about our behaviors, which is precisely what we're working on developing for our gym right now. To this end, we're remaining closed to the public and only allowing current members (and only current members... no guests or people waiting or loitering) to train independently, and only after taking ample precautions like temperate checks, frequent cleaning, etc. 

What Does This Look Like For Gyms In The Future?

The pandemic is going to require us as gym owners to take an active role in assuring the most vulnerable members of our community remain safe, and the way we're going to accomplish this is taking the responsibility to stay informed and act independently. We need to keep an eye on the local situation. We need to know how many active cases we have in our community and how our local healthcare systems are faring. If the numbers shoot up, we need to tighten our restrictions regardless of what we're "allowed" to do. 

This also means we have to be hyper-vigilant about limiting access to our facilities. The fewer people we have walking through our doors, the safer we'll be. 

Finally, this means we have to closely monitor our students and push everyone to self-police. If they're showing symptoms (fever, cough, shortness of breath, headache, nausea, diarrhea, etc.), they need to avoid any contact with the gym or other members for 72 hours AFTER the symptoms disappear. If one or two people from our gym tests positive, we need to close for 48 hours (which is actually one of our regulations.) (4)

There is hope for the future, however. If we discover an effective treatment OR a vaccine, all of these regulations could end. Baring that, if we develop a cheap, effective serologic test (antibody test) that could determine if someone has had the virus and, presumably, developed at least short-term immunity, we could go back to some degree of normal training. Unfortunately, those tests are extremely unreliable to the point of uselessness. (6)

Until any of that happens, we'll be stuck in this weird limbo where we have to "thread the needle." This requires us gym owners to step up and become leaders in our community. Hopefully this post will start discussions on HOW that can happen and WHAT that leadership looks like. 

Gym owners - if you want to discuss these matters in more detail, feel free to drop me a line at eldiablobjj@gmail.com. 

Good luck, folks, and stay safe.

~Jason

***

Sources

    1. Colorado modeling report – 5/26/2020: https://covid19.colorado.gov/sites/covid19/files/MayModelingReport_20200523_FINAL.pdf
    2. Fatality rate and other data: https://www.9news.com/article/news/health/coronavirus/colorado-coronavirus-latest-may-27/73-3b3a8b7b-e4e2-4f52-a46b-22c29510dfc5
    3. Number of tests - https://www.greeleytribune.com/news/colorado-reports-no-additional-deaths-tied-directly-to-covid-19-as-testing-reaches-new-peak/
    4. Guidelines from the state: https://covid19.colorado.gov/sites/covid19/files/Press%20Availability%20May%2026%20%281%29.pdf
    5. WHO information: https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/question-and-answers-hub/q-a-detail/q-a-coronaviruses
    6. Antibody testing: https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/26/health/antibody-tests-cdc-coronavirus-wrong/index.html
    7. Montrose county: https://www.montrosecountyjic.com/
    8. Variance: https://www.montrosecountyjic.com/news-2/montrose-county-variance-application-approved/
    9. Gym criteria: http://www.montrosecountyjic.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/VARIANCE-GYMS-REQUIREMENTS.pdf
 10. Circulatory System: https://www.healthline.com/health-news/how-covid-19-triggers-heart-conditions