Earlier today, I stumbled upon this article in Psychology Today about women who don't feel "chemistry" with nice guys. This article came at a fortuitous time; I was just discussing this issue with one of my fellow Tribe members who is part of my new project. Specifically, she was asking about my book I wrote years ago, No Bone Zone. The gist of the discussion - my book kinda sucks for the same reason this Psychology Today article sucks.
Basically, women can't "trick" themselves into developing chemistry with nice guys.
I don't recommend my book to couples for a pretty simple reason - it's essentially a guide to rekindling chemistry in relationships where the chemistry has disappeared. For examples of the kinds of relationships the book was meant to help, check out this incredibly sad, depressing Subreddit. The advice I give in the book closely resembles the advice the author of the Psychology Today article recommends.
And it ultimately fails. Every. Single. Time.
Before I explore this issue in detail, I need to operationally-define "nice guys." We're not talking about the emotionally-manipulative guys who act like women in a misguided attempt to get laid. We're talking about genuinely kind men who lack any sort of edge. They're soft and gentle and caring and emotionally-available and loyal and willing to do anything for you. They make you feel loved and appreciated. They're caring and attentive parents. They willingly help out around the house, always buy you presents on Sweetest Day, and do everything they can to make you feel special.Nice guys make love. Sweet, tender, romantic love.
What they don't do, though, is make your panties wet.
They don't slap your ass or pull your hair. They don't tease you until you lose your mind; they don't fuck you so hard, you lose a filling. They don't call you "my dirty little whore" as they cum all over your tits. Their mere presence doesn't cause your heart to start beating out of your chest. They don't possess you.
It's simply not in their DNA. It doesn't matter if you show up late for a date to fool yourself into believing the nice guy is something he's not. None of the "tips" shared in that Psych Today article will change what is unchangeable. Your brain is not fooled. Which is why I don't recommend No Bone Zone. It's filled with bandaids that, ultimately, will fail. Chemistry can't be faked. In the event you DO fall for a nice guy and commit to them, your relationship will follow a painfully predictable path.
The answer, though, isn't to fall for the bad boys who CAN and DO drench those panties. If you're looking for anything more than an occasional hookup, they're a piss-poor choice because they don't have the requisite skills to navigate a relationship. Per Ladder Theory, a high value woman might be able to "tame" this kind of bad boy, but in the process, will make him almost as undesirable as the nice guy.
So What's the Answer?
The answer is deceptively simple - find a man who is genuinely kind, but also has no hesitation in using you as a fuck toy when the time comes. I know, ladies, you already know this. And you also know these men are the unicorns of our gender. The Law of Supply and Demand being what it is, these men don't last long on the open market. But worry not, Jason's here to help!
You have two realistic options if you have trouble attracting unicorn men. Either settle for one night stands with bad boys and relationships with lame-ass nice guys, OR improve yourself.
First, read that Ladder Theory post above. It explains how the dynamics of relationships *really* work.
Second, read this post. It explains why you can land the hot, dominant, confident kind man for a one night stand, but can't get him to commit.
Third, read this post. It was originally written for some specific nearing middle-aged female friends of mine who had serious trouble competing with younger females for high quality men, but the advice is universal.
For many women, it's comforting to follow the advice in the PT article. Or my crappy book. Somehow reframing the boring nice guy in a way that makes him seem desirable gives us a shred of optimism. But the reality is what it is - these men simply aren't going to cut it. They're great roommates. They're great companions. But no Jedi mind trick is going to allow them to make you feel like a woman.
So don't waste your time trying. Shoot for a better man. Shoot for the kind of man you deserve. And importantly, be willing to put in the work to make that happen.