Wednesday, February 19, 2020

When Men Fear Testosterone: The Sad Life Experience of Men Who Do Not Understand the Nature of Masculinity

Many modern males are almost always defined by one very specific trait - they sincerely believe women are aroused by vulnerable, weak men. Furthermore, these modern men believe there is one special woman out there for him. Once he finds her, their love will create a mystical, magical union that can and will overcome anything and everything. They can finally relax from tirelessly searching for their soulmate, kick back, and ride out life until their golden years. They'll grow old together and he'll read stories of their courtship from a tattered old notebook while she slowly slips into the abyss of dementia. 

Or something like that.

This is almost always the root of this kind of maladaptive male behavior - placing women on a pedestal. In the past, these men were just a small subsection of shy males that experienced anxiety in the presence of women. Today, I would hypothesize the majority of American males fit this profile. The personality type has become so prevalent because men are basically taught that women prefer this type of man, which is then reinforced by parents, friends, school, news media, magazines, TV, movies, and, of course, many women. 

That belief is powerful for males because, deep down, most of us love the idea that there's one special someone out there that represents our perfect match. A guy doesn't have to work to impress that woman; he can just be himself. We like that story because it’s easy. There’s virtually no risk involved! The right girl will find him. Once they meet, they’ll complete each other. Most importantly, men can finally stop performing to earn the love of a woman. They've been doing the hard work their whole lives, now they get to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Or so they believe. 

These men go through their early lives in silent desperation. They usually internalize their "women love vulnerable men" sexual strategy around the time they hit puberty. They're led to believe women require comfort, respect, and time to get to the point where they may be interested in sex (and a relationship... but sex is the primary concern.) As such, they study women. They learn their habits. They learn their mannerisms. They attempt to learn how women think. This is why these men feel more comfortable around women... they believe women want men that can assume feminine traits because those men are not threatening. Also, they tend to see other guys as prehistoric Luddites that haven't "evolved" into special, sensitive modern men like they have.

That last belief is part of the reason this mindset is so resilient to extinction - these males believe their deferring to females is a morally-superior position. In a post-Feminism world, this kind of male is the champion of social justice. He's not only willing to stick up for women, he's willing to sacrifice his goals, dreams, aspirations, self-respect, and even his sense of self for the feminine cause.

Sounds chivalrous, huh?

Not quite.

For all the talk of righting the wrongs of our patriarchal society, this kind of maan adopts his strategy for one reason: Sex. In all likelihood, he's surrounded himself with continual messages telling him that this feminine persona is the only way to win over the woman of his dreams, so he stubbornly sticks with it. Part of the reason he sticks with it is because he can hide his selfish motivations behind that shield of social justice. This kind of man can point to the more masculine males and say: 

"See? I'm not like those misogynistic assholes. I support women and women's rights. I feel your pain as an oppressed minority. I feel your pain of powerlessness. Now if you wouldn't mind, do you think we could have a conversation about removing these panties? If it's okay with you, of course."

The Life Experiences of this Kind of Man

Because these men intentionally isolate themselves away from other more masculine men, they're much more in tune with female behaviors. This allows these men to adopt behaviors and mannerisms of women in an attempt to arouse them. More significantly, it prevents these men  from really observing other males. If they did spend more time around males, they'd realize a lot of men are attempting to play the exact same game they are. Here are a few common scenarios these men commonly find themselves in as they progress through life:

The teen male who keeps getting friend-zoned by his secret crushes. This man think he's found his Cinderella by watching her from afar. He'll likely befriend her in an attempt to build rapport because he believes that comfort and familiarity is what turns her on (as opposed to excitement and assertiveness.) As such, he's petrified to make a move even if she really wants him to. He just doesn't recognize her signals. Eventually she gives up and turns her attention to more assertive males while friendzoning him. He begrudgingly accepts the role as her emotional tampon and patiently waits for the "clearly inferior masculine man" to screw things up so he can have another crack at his dream girl. Which never happens. The cycle repeats a few times until eventually the man concludes the woman of his dreams is actually a shallow, vapid, low-value slut. After all, why else would she keep going for these jackass masculine men? This kind of man doesn't even consider the possibility that all women are turned on by masculine men because he is too emotionally-invested in his "women love vulnerable men" worldview. 

The 20-something man who can't seem to land the hot women. This man may be in college, recently graduated, or in the beginning of a promising career. He’s probably had at least one relationship with a girl he thought was "the one", only to have her turn out to be a different person than she was in the beginning. Now he's trying to play the field, but doesn't have a  lot of success. He goes to the bars and clubs, he spends a lot of time on the periphery of the room holding his drink chest-high rhythmically moving to the music, checking out the girls. Yet he's rarely if ever approached. The only women that seem to show interest are either too overweight, too old, or come off as way too desperate. Still, he gets just enough action to keep himself from going insane. His dream girls are still falling for the asshole msaculine men, though, and this infuriates the 20-something guy. He briefly considers the possibility that his worldview may be wrong, but quickly dismisses the idea.

The late-20's to early 30's guy who finally lands his soul mate. All that hard work and patience finally pays off for him when he lands a "good girl." She likely came out of nowhere, made the first move, and is significantly more attractive and sweeter than the girls he's used to "dating." Best of all, the sex is far better than anything he's had up to this point, which confirms what he knew all along - women love a weak, vulnerable male. It just took a special woman to finally appreciate that sacrifice he's been making since he hit puberty. He falls head-over-heels in love with her. He eagerly marries her and rides the wave of fantastic sex for months or even a year or two. Maybe even three. Eventually she gets pregnant and gives birth. The frequency and quality of sex drop off almost overnight, but he rolls with it because little kids are difficult. Besides, it's only a matter of time before his indecisiveness and passivity make him irresistible once again. 

Late 30's guy who’s trapped in a life of silent desperation. After about four or five years of marriage, this guy has fallen into a predictable pattern of spending every waking moment of every day trying to figure out the magical combination that will unlock the kinky, sexually-adventurous wife that's buried beneath the naggy, overweight harpy of a "wife" that constantly reminds him of his incompetence. Even though he's a competent lover (the benefit of obsessing about pleasing women), he can sense she's just not into it. She never initiates, she never touches him in an intimate way, she's grossed out by anything and everything related to sex, and she even bristles when he tries to kiss her. He's desperate for female attention and, like the women from his earlier relationships, he begins wondering if he's made a grave mistake. This woman might not be "the one." At this point, he's probably considering having an affair or initiating a divorce, but can't quite bring himself to do it. Because he's still clinging to his flawed worldview, this guy never considers the possibility that his now apparently asexual wife does indeed have intense sexual longing... just not for him. The straw that breaks this camel's back can come in many forms. One or both partners might get caught cheating. One or both may decide to end the relationship. Or, sometimes, the guy discovers things from his "good girl" wife's past. Specifically, he may find out details of her wild sexual exploits before him and he realizes she doesn't, and never did, give him her best sexually. In fact, this is the period where all sorts of epiphanies strike, including the fact that this wife hasn't loved him for a very long time. The most common phrase men utter in this stage is "I cannot believe she could do that",  where "that" is usually the pool boy or his boss. Or she’s served him with divorce papers. It's probably tough knowing she's getting the house while he's getting this:

Post-40's guy. With any luck, by the time he crosses the forty threshold, he’s experienced enough real life to realize his "women love weak, passive men" worldview is not only wrong, but a worldview that actively repels women. Hopefully he now realizes his wife, which he may or may not be with, chose him because he was the best provider she could get to commit, not because he was the hottest, sexiest man she had ever met. This realization is what usually brings on what we like to call a "midlife crisis" where men buy a sports car, abandon their families, and start dating 20-something hot girls. It's worth noting, however, that this isn't a "crisis" at all. It's a realization that he’s been living in a Hell disguised as a fantasy world. Once he realizes women hate men like him, it's easy enough to adopt masculine traits which, given his maturity and degree of career success, makes him a high value male. THAT is the reason he can and does date younger women. And that sports car? He's probably spent his entire life suppressing his own needs and wants for the women in his life. For the first time, he's doing something for himself. Damn it, he deserves that convertible Mustang.

But what if this post-40's guy doesn't experience this epiphany? That's where things start to get very, very sad. If this guy, by some miracle, manages to keep his relationship together "for the kids", both him and his wife will go through the motions of a relationship year after year after year as their kids age. When the last of the kids leave the house, the two decades or more of abject misery almost always kills the relationship. Both partners would rather brave the singles market in their 50's than spend their twilight years together. In all likelihood, this guy will marry once again and the cycle will repeat. If he's lucky, he'll kick the bucket during the first year or so of a new relationship while everything is new and happy. In all probability, though, he'll die alone. Or worse, he'll die in a relationship that's already tanked after the honeymoon period. Throughout his entire life, this kind of guy had one fear - that's he'd die alone. Because he never learned the fundamental lesson of what women really want, his greatest fear is actualized.

As sad as this life cycle is, there IS hope for men at any stage. Learning and implementing masculine traits isn’t terribly difficult, especially if these men surround themselves with other men who a) really understand the nature of masculinity, and b) are willing to provide support and advice. If YOU find yourself somewhere in this pattern, read more of this blog. Men like us are here to help men like you. 

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